2012 - ready or not, it's here ...

as i sat down to put my goals for 2012 on paper, i realized they looked suspiciously like 2011's. and 2010's. and 2009's. and ... you get the picture.

every year i make a list of WHAT i want to DO. this year i am making a list of WHO i want to BE(come). each one will get a more detailed explanation in the weeks to come, but for now, here they are:

12. stop trying to fix other people's problems
11. stop trying to fix other people
10. stop trying to fix myself
9. destroy less
8. create more
7. complain less
6. compliment more
5. find the beauty in everything
4. listen more sincerely
3. smile at everyone
2. go on adventures
1. be happy

each of the these items represents a behaviour or attitude i love or loathe about myself - and i am confident focusing on them more in the days to come will lead to the results i crave. i still have things i want to do - but they are permanent goals (eat healthy, exercise, challenge my brain, socialize, be fiscally responsible); declaring them every year and then, at the end of the year, feeling i fell short isn't improving me.

and yes, some habits die hard - as some of you may have noticed, there are 12 goals for 2012 ... so yes, next year will probably have a baker's dozen.

in conclusion, here is something that has made me happy lately. i lurve him.

2011 in review ...

i haven't written much this year - i'd like to change that for next year. i miss it, and i don't have the best record of 2011 as a result of not keeping up with this here blog thing-y. but here is a summary of how the goals for 2011 went. next week i trot out the 2012 ones. i don't think there will be many big changes, but perhaps a few modifications.

report card for 2011

1. be early - B-
i was not early for much, but i was MUCH LESS late than i used to be! definite improvement observed from january to december.

2. be scrupulously honest - C+
i did better at being honest with others, but i still am not being as good about telling myself the truth. mostly this means i tell myself negative lies that tear me down instead of build me up. awareness of this was a surprise. i didn't realize how much negative self-talk i engage in.

3. read one quality book per month - C
only about 6 for the year. in fact, my book count is about 1/3 of what is has been the last couple of years. MUST ANNIHILATE THE TELEVISION.

4. journal thoughts and feelings everyday - F
and the scale proves just how much i did fail!

5. audition for 3 shows - A+
not only that, but i acted in 2! and got paid for one of them! AND i'm acting in a 3rd one right now. it was a very good year, theatre wise. i am also stage managing a play that goes up in february.

6. increase daily step average to 7500 and swim at least 1/week - D-
didn't realize how low the steps had gotten until i replaced the battery in the pedometer - i was down to 1800/day! so i have moved that up to 4000/day in the last 6 weeks. i have only gone swimming ONCE this year. don't even get me started on how mad i am at myself for this one. grrrr ....

7. go back to school - INCOMPLETE
plans changed. the job i thought i wanted to work towards ended up being one i don't like. so i am onto another plan. more on that in the 2012 goals!

overall, this leaves 2011 with a grade of C- ...

but here's the funny thing. i don't feel like the year was a C-. i had some really bad patches, and some really good moments. i did more good than harm in the world. i laughed more than i cried. i caused more laughter than tears. i learned and i taught. i gave with a full heart and i took with gratitude. i said "please" and "thank you" and even "no, thank you." i lost some things that i wish i still had, and let go of some things i had needlessly been clinging to. i gained some things i would prefer to not have and welcomed some amazing people and experiences into my life. for me, 2011 feels like a solid B. and that B stands for BRAVED. because that's how i feel about my past year - i braved it and (despite being a little worn out) i won the battle and have lived to tackle another year.

2012 ... it's gonna be epic.

dreams vs. duty ...

in my perfect world, living my dreams would pay the bills. in my reality, my dreams are lived in volunteer hours.

one of the main reasons i chose to stop pursuing a career as an actor, many years ago, was that i wanted the security of a regular paycheque and benefits coverage - and just some plain old stability (to balance out the life of complete instability i had lived up to that point).

turns out i didn't get that stability anyway. i moved from company to company, city to city, even country to country!

so, a few years ago, i started putting the dreams centre stage (so to speak), and i have been unbelievably happy with that choice. on saturday i will close my 3rd show in 8 months (two as an actor, one as a lighting operator), and i wouldn't want to trade those experiences for anything.

unfortunately, as i have pursued these adventures, i have limited my hours available for work and the corresponding pay and benefits that go with them. by choosing to do contract work instead of working for one employer, i have uncertain employment opportunities, and i have to pay for all my prescriptions myself - among other challenges. after paying off half my debt in 3 years, i am now perilously close to increasing it instead of continuing to eliminate it. i have decreased my variable spending (as opposed to fixed costs - rent, insurance, etc) by HALF of what i budgeted this time last year, and i am still struggling to get by.

not to mention, i ain't getting any younger (as working with a cast that is 1/2 my age with 4 times my energy level has proven quite clearly)!

but ... while i know (and feel) i have a duty to pay off debt and meet all my other financial obligations, i also believe i have a duty to foster and expand my talents and even, yes, give life to my dreams. i have some ideas on how to achieve this, and a plan (short-, mid- and long-range), and i am following it day by day, but how to find that ever-elusive balance is today's big question and challenge.

i am inviting your input - how do YOU balance your dreams with doing your duty?

i'm an idiot ...

no, really! i am! and i am very good one too. i hope you will come and let me prove it to you ...



let me know if you attend so i can come out and see you after the show!

the help ...

so. i finished reading 'the help' by kathryn stockett this week. and i have things i want to say about it. normally i like a book. or i don't like a book. or i feel 'meh' about a book. once i know which way i feel, i look for the foundation of the assessment ... dumb characters? brilliant plot? great escape? lame writing?

but 'the help' was different. i thoroughly enjoyed the reading of it. it zipped along and i laughed out loud, i cringed, i became melancholy over some characters' sorrows, and i was outraged at times.

but after i finished it, and reflected for just a short time, i became cranky. not about race issues and the appropriateness of the whole project - as one might justifiably guess about a novel written by a white woman in the voice of 2 black women. no, i was cranky with the two dimensional characters the writer created.

aibileen - pure of heart, intelligent, confident, well aware of the inherent wrongness of her subservient role, but pragmatic enough to perpetuate it without rocking the boat for DECADES; she suddenly reaches a breaking point and risks all - possibly even her life - because of one insult too many? not buying it.

minny - stereotypical, smart-mouthed black maid, whose confidence is on grand display everywhere ... except with her physically abusive husband? not buying it.

hilly - the devil incarnate. at one point aibileen says hilly is a good mother (because she is kind to and hugs her children). i call bs. good mothers do not teach their children to treat other human beings as property. they don't maliciously black-ball and punish others for holding different beliefs. they don't bully and ostracize others because they are different. good mothers come from good people. and as created in 'the help', hilly is NOT a good person.

skeeter - the character closest to being three dimensional, skeeter was the most honest of the characters (which in itself was annoying). she didn't start the project with the grand goal of eradicating racism, but as a way to get out of town. i can buy that. she was ignorant of her hypocrisy, and her sheltered upbringing combined with the two dimensional 'tiger mother' she had to contend with allows me to buy that part. but the whole courting sub-story??? AS IF! even a brain dead southern belle with warts all over her face would have dumped that drunk hunk.

and the men!? they were either abusive, cruel, absent, milquetoast, or non-entities filling in space.

grrr. great idea. weak characterizations.

having said that, i recommend reading it for one reason:

about halfway through, i realized that only 45 years from when the story was set (1963), the united states elected a black president. amazing. less than a lifetime passes and the whole world changed. conversely, a mere 45 years ago ignorant people still believed that black and white people have different germs - necessitating separate cutlery, dishes, and even - in what then becomes a wonderful payback moment from skeeter to hilly - toilets.

books like this are important - in as much as they illustrate how far we've come as a whole and also how short-sighted some people remain.

i feel pretty, oh so pretty ...

first up after the blog drought? my headshot pic from a few months ago ... i lurve it.

being a better person ...

the truth is, i am swamped with just existing right now. but i want to do - scratch that - BE more than i am. i stumbled across this article and decided it connected with me enough to share with y'all.

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Making a change in the world can be an easy part of your everyday life. Here are 10 ways you can make a difference. From Most Good, Least Harm: A Simple Principle for a Better World and Meaningful Life by Zoe Weil

1. Commit to the 3 I’s. Inquire, Introspect, live with Integrity. Expose yourself to information and ideas about most good (MOGO) living by talking to and learning from people from all walks of life -- especially people who are also trying to do the most good and the least harm; by reading widely and deeply; by visiting websites aimed at making a difference; and by viewing relevant films. You can find a list of regularly updated websites, books, magazines, and films in the resources section at HumaneEducation.org. Then introspect: identify your values, consider what is most important to you, assess your talents and interests, and seek out ways to put these together practically and productively. Finally, live with integrity. To the best of your ability, put your values into practice.

2. Work for change. Give some of your time, resources, and talents to create systemic change that benefits all. Choose the issues that most concern and compel you, get involved, and relish the joy that such generosity brings to yourself and others. If you can, make your career one that is MOGO.

3. Rethink, Reuse, Repair, and Recycle. As much as possible, rethink your use of products that are unnecessary, inhumane, produced through exploitive business practices, non-recyclable, over-packaged, toxic, and/or unsustainable. When you do make purchases, choose the most sustainable, efficient, humane, fairly traded, and healthy versions. Then reuse what you can, repair what is reparable, and recycle when you are through. And in the midst of these 4 Rs, consider what you could borrow instead of buy, and what you could share with friends and neighbors so that they can better rethink unnecessary products, too.


4. Eat for life. As much as possible, choose plant-based foods produced close to where you live, grown organically, and unprocessed. This will improve your health, the environment, the lives of animals, and the wellbeing of other people.

5. Reduce your ecological footprint. Drive less, carpool, walk, bike, car-share, and use public transportation more. If you need to own a car, choose one with the best fuel efficiency to meet your needs. Choose the most energy efficient and ecologically friendly options for homes, home repair, appliances, lighting, heating, and cooling. Choose your recreation and vacations with MOGO in mind as well: an ecotourism excursion over a cruise; cross-country skiing instead of downhill skiing; canoeing more often than motor boating.

6. Transform education. People need relevant information, tools for critical thinking, and motivation to lead meaningful lives that contribute to a better world. Whether you are a parent, student, teacher, elder, or concerned citizen, help make living sustainably and peacefully the very purpose of education at all levels by engaging in dialogue with lawmakers, educators, and school and university administrators.

7. Invest your money ethically. If you are going to rely on a mutual fund for retirement or college, choose a socially responsible investment fund. Ask for a portfolio and assess whether the company invests in the kinds of businesses you want to support. Seek out community banks and credit unions, and consider micro-lending and investment in social businesses as a means of using your money to help others.

8. Build community. Find others who share your desire to make MOGO choices by joining existing groups or creating your own group, and invite people to join you. You will enjoy the friendship and camaraderie, and help make a difference at the same time. Don’t forget the communities of which you are already a part. Get to know your neighbors, and work with them to make your neighborhood healthy, supportive, and safe.

9. Teach others. Share what you know with others and engage them in the challenge of living a MOGO life by using positive communication that does not judge or blame. Listen as often as you speak. Teaching and learning happen everywhere: one on one, in schools, in religious congregations, at camps, in families, in print and film, at learning centers, on social networking internet sites, at senior facilities, and so on. Model your message, and speak your truth in kind and inspiring ways wherever you are and with whomever you’re in contact.

10. Strive for balance. Set reasonable goals for yourself, and remember that the “most good, least harm” equation includes you. You are a role model for a MOGO life, so find the balance that lets you live joyfully, enthusiastically, and compassionately.
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Zoe Weil, author of Most Good, Least Harm: A Simple Principle for a Better World and Meaningful Life (Copyright © 2009 by Zoe Weil), is the co-founder and president of the Institute for Humane Education. She created the first M.Ed degree and certificate programs in humane education in the United States. Zoe leads MOGO and humane education workshops throughout the Unite States and Canada. She lives in coastal Maine. Visit zoeweil.com for information on workshops and presentations.

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#4 and #8 are the ones that call to me the most ... how about you?

the january 11 ...

This free picture collage made with Smilebox

it started when i checked out k a l a n i c u t - a blog by a friend from los angeles. she linked to another nifty blog - 365 small details.

and now? well, now i am excited to tell you about the 11 things i am doing this month to bring me joy!

1. top left - facial. this is the tail end of my mom's and my christmas - we are having lunch and going for facials. i haven't had one in years, but as my age creeps up, i suspect it will be a good thing.

2. middle left - thank you notes. i love writing notes and i have a pile of christmas ones to do, as well as few general ones that are waaaaay overdue. i have scheduled time and am looking forward to it.

3. bottom left - daddy daughter date. my dad is coming over to check out my new apartment and then we are going for the best pasta in town at chianti's (which is located in that building)

4. top middle - books. need i say more? this will bring me much joy.

5. middle middle left - baby shower for a good friend's little bobo. very excited!

6. middle middle middle - swimming!! not only is this part of a goal, but i simply love it. sadly, no, the polar bear is not part of the package.

7. middle middle right - walterdale theatre. monthly board meeting, and signing up for my 1st of (at least) 3 auditions for the year!

8. middle bottom - new bedding!! after 8.5 years, my awesome bed set is more than a little faded and i surprised myself by going back to a dark colour. but i love it!!

9. top right - slipcovers. i inherited some fairly comfy, but hideously (imho) patterned furniture this year and have wanted to cover them up ever since. thanks to christmas gifts of good old fashioned cash-o-la, i can. very excited!

10. middle right - massage. in that very room! i love my massage therapist - she is perfect for me in both skill set and temperament. her peaceful presence makes an already wonderful experience better.

11. bottom right - headshots! i am getting professional headshots done. not only is it a necessary tool for auditions (see: 2011 goals), but it has been 20 years since i did one. definitely time. i am super excited and will let you know how it goes.

so - what is ONE thing you are going to do to bring you joy this month??

*the link for each picture location takes you to where i borrowed the picture from*

seven in eleven ...

because it rhymes. and it is less than last year. and because i wanna.

1. be early - apparently 'be on time' doesn't work so well for me. so this year, i aim for earliness. i have a book whenever i go somewhere, so being a few minutes early will not be a hardship. and the peaceful conscience that accompanies promptness is something i very much wish to acquire.

2. be scrupulously honest - i am not saying i am a liar, liar, pants on fire, but i do struggle with honesty when it paints me in a poor light. not saying anything, or twisting truths comes a little too easily for me. i want to cut this ugly blemish in my character out completely. of course, the main goal is to be honest with myself - the rest will follow ...

3. read one quality book per month - no restrictions on what i need to read or when. in fact, if the count of monte cristo doesn't get read until i am on my deathbed (or at all), i am going to be okay with this. the chances i will enjoy a book i feel i HAVE to read are slim to nil - and i want to enjoy reading. but i do want to increase my discipline in reading non-junk-food books. only 25 of the 150 books i read in 2010 were more than fluff, and only 9 qualified as quality (in my opinion). the list to the right are books i have wanted to read for years, plus a few from various '2010's best books' lists i came across.

4. journal thoughts and feelings everyday - i have observed a pattern in dealing (or should i say avoiding) feelings: if i don't overeat, i overspend. if i get the spending under control, i go nutso with the eating. either way, i am not dealing with the feelings. of course, i have journaled in the past and not had it fix this challenge - but this time is different. it is not a journal for posterity - or any kind of public consumption. it is just feelings. good, bad and ugly. can't hurt to try, hmmm?

5. audition for 3 shows - i would love to write that i will be in 3 shows, but i can't control that part (yet!), but i can commit to the auditioning. oh, and part of this is getting new headshots completed as well - should be interesting!

6. increase daily step average to 7500 and swim at least 1/week - i hope to exceed this goal, but it is realistic and achievable as is.

7. go back to school - although i have postponed the starting of the program in project management i posted about before, i do still plan to start in august ... and this goal will help me stay focused on making it happen.

i am very excited for 2011. i don't remember being excited for 2010, so this is a nice feeling ... let's see where it leads!

looking back before moving forward ...

as many of you are aware, 2010 was a rather rough year for me. there is, however, one big benefit to having a really trying year - i don't feel bad about not meeting many of my 2010 goals! but, in order to wrap up the year (and get prepared for 2011), here is a brief recap:

1. read one quality book a month - only got 9 in (and "the count of monte cristo" was NOT one of them!) in fact, i only read 3 books from my quality list; but it was good to challenge myself and i am going to use this one again - with some minor tweaking.

2. buy no more than one book per month - hahahaha. who came up with this lame idea? as if.

3. be accountable with monthly blog entries about all 'non-essential' spending - as my desire to get debt free increased this year, my frivolous spending kind of took care of itself. not that there weren't a few wallet busting indulgences along the way, but for the most part, i am very happy with my discretionary spending habits this year - even without confessing all on the blog!

4. write two letters a week - as i went through the challenges of this summer and gained a better perspective on friendship as a whole and my friendships in particular, my need for contact with others decreased. i no longer need to prove i have friends (or coerce them into contact with me) by sending missives out. but i was pleasantly surprised by who i grew closer to, and who proved to be dear friends during the trials of 2010. i am now committed to reciprocal relationships - my understanding that give and take are both needed has allowed me to stop chasing people down. now i just need to stop chasing cars and i will be a real human before too long!

5. attend my church meetings - again, as i gave myself permission to re-discover who i am and what i believe (and act according to the dictates of my own conscience), i found myself less concerned with being perfect at ... well. anything. it has also meant i don't beat myself up for not meeting this goal - one that was made with the intention of "getting me back on track" ... turns out i am already on track!

6. get a massage once a month - no problems meeting this goal ... and i am much the better for it.

7. eat all servings of fruits and veggies each day - i would definitely give myself an 80% or better on this goal and i love that!

8. increase pedometer steps to 6000+ per day - i accomplished this by august! and now i have maintained it for almost 4 months (plus i added some swims in there, too!)

9. read the book of mormon - see #5 ...

10. *secret goal* - i totally achieved this goal. it was simply this: to feel worthy. for years i was doing "all the right things" and not feeling 'good enough' ... but i can honestly say that i am confident that i have worth and value. there remains room for improvement in this area, but i am leaps and bounds ahead of where i was when this year started.

so. 2010? it was long, exhausting, necessary, wonderfully awful at times - and, at times simply wonderful.

2011? bring it ...

PS - the december 29th announcement? it is on facebook now. if you aren't friends with me and want details, drop me an email ...