a mini happiness project ...

"there is no duty we so underrate as the duty of being happy. by being happy we sow anonymous benefits upon the world." robert louis stevenson

this is going to sound a little crazy but i have never been happier in my life than i am right now.

"sanity and happiness are an impossible combination." mark twain

things aren't going spectacularly: i am not healthy, wealthy nor wise. but i am happy. the kind of deep seated happiness that isn't conquered by fretting, fatigue or falling short of the mark. a genuine state of mind - and a conscious choice.

"most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." abraham lincoln

i mentioned to a co-worker that i was not concerned about the future, because i am making the right choices - and when i do what is right, things work out. heck, even when i am wrong, they EVENTUALLY work out anyway! so i don't see a reason to get worked up over, well, anything. i know i haven't always been this way, and we all know i won't always maintain this outlook, but right now it is easy for me to say that being happy in the midst of trials is possible.

"my life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet i'm happy. i can't figure it out. what am i doing right?" charles schulz

her reaction was to ask me how i knew i was making the right choices. all i could offer was the fact that i have made enough decisions in my life - some stellar, some good, some adequate, and some truly atrocious - to recognize the feel of a good choice. and the need to trust in it and MOVE FORWARD ...

"action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action." benjamin disraeli

once i make a choice and move forward, i invariably find times when i need to make course corrections - one tiny degree of change now can lead to a place miles away from my originally anticipated or desired destination. i have made these course changes many times of my life - when i look back over the last 20 years worth of choices, i can promise you i would NEVER have plotted to be where i am! but each choice, each change, led me to here and now and, while getting here a little richer, thinner, and with less grey hair would have been nice, i do not want to change where i traveled or (more importantly) the experiences i have had that brought me here. having said that, there are still things i want for my future.

"to be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness." bertrand russell

this is where my capacity to dream, fantasize, plan, discuss, ponder, re-word, attempt, and try, try again come in so very handy. and this is where the "rubber met the road" in deciding to believe that i could be happy even when everything seemed to be going to heck in a hand basket. for me, happiness has not been found in things, people, or even the magic pills my wise counselor convinced me to try (side note: anti-depressants do not make you happy. rather, they level the playing field in your head so you can see more clearly and choose happiness). for me, happiness has been found in forgiving (others and myself), being good and kind (to myself and others), and abandoning comparisons wherever possible.

"you will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. you will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life." albert camus

now, this isn't all sunshine, butterflies and rainbows - there are days where happiness moves beyond elusive to downright obscured. experience has shown me that the only way to survive such attacks on happiness is to remind myself "this, too, shall pass" and never, ever, give up. even at my most depressed, i have known that it wouldn't last forever. even when i have wanted to stop hurting so much i believed ceasing to exist would be the best solution (don't anyone freak out and think i am suicidal, but hey, it is a reality that severely depressed people often hurt so much ANY option is preferable to continued suffering; but most of us hold on - by the skin of our teeth if need be).

"the grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." allan k. chalmers

there is always something i want to do - read the next book, visit with that special friend i miss dearly, see another play on broadway, eat that dessert (you know, that one with the this and the that?), accomplish that task i wondered if i could, hug my sisters again, and ... the list goes on. there are so many people and things to love (family, friends, strangers on the internet, friends of friends and yes, even enemies; micro fleece sheets, mint chapstick, BOOKS!, stuffies, a great pair of jeans and pets). and there is always something to hope for - laughter, time with cherished people, improved health, love, success, and always learning.

"happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." mohandas k. gandhi

i couldn't agree more ...
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your turn - what do you think about happiness? what makes you happy? do you have any favorite quotes on happiness? please share!

trending topics ...

first: a picture of the ocean from the beach at the "paradise village" resort in nuevo vallarta. a place i long to return to ...


ok. back to real life ...

my longer than usual bout of illness has afforded me large amounts of time spent in my own company. i have occupied this time as follows (in no particular order):

1. sleeping, dozing, napping (including catnapping), resting, slumbering, and snoozing
2. watching t.v. with the new dvr my awesome roomie installed. two words people: NO COMMERCIALS
3. reading books. lots of books. including some (ready for a confession?) trashy bodice rippers!!!
4. thinking & pondering about the big stuff

i shall now pontificate on two of the topics contained within #4 above:

health care reform:
the u.s. needs this in a BIG way. and when i say need, i mean in the people-should-not-have-to-check-their-bank-balance-before-going-to-see-the-doctor way. when i was living in the states i was very blessed to have excellent health care coverage almost all the time. but the few months i did not have coverage, i would literally have to check the account before heading off to find out what horrific illness was laying waste to my well-being. a basic visit to my doctor started at $150 - that is how much i had to pay to just get in the same room as my doctor ... it did not include any tests that may have had to be done, or any medication i may need - and heaven forbid i should need to see a specialist. i could get an appointment and see one in less than 3 days, but it was anywhere from $225 to $360 depending on the specialist i was referred to. i had day surgery where the procedure took half an hour and i was in and out of the hospital in less than 4 hours. total cost? $8,925 ... blessedly i had insurance and it was only $893 that came out of my pocket.

canada needs this too. and when i say need, i mean in the everyone-should-have-equal-access-based-on-need-not-who-you-know care. moreover, my home province should not have eliminated the health care premium of $44 a month then turn around and cut services!! ARGH. other things i ponder when i consider this topic: when i was assessed as needing a surgical procedure, it took 5 months to get in to see the surgeon, and another 8 months to get the surgery. however, the only cost was for the pain medication after i left the hospital. also, i have broken two limbs (you may have heard me mention this once or twice, hmmm?) requiring three surgeries. for these emergency situations, i was in an operating theatre almost before i could realize what was up (actually a good thing, i suspect!) ...

it is not clear to me WHAT the reform should look like or HOW it is to be implemented; but what i am clear on is this: i feel safer in canada.

religious fervor and being a grown up:
some of you may know i am member of the church of jesus christ of latter-day saints. i made the decision to be baptised when i was 19 years old ... and i became a zealot. i was also on a crash course for self-destruction. between the black and white thinking, a ginormous capacity for judging myself and others (the former MUCH more harshly than the latter) and my obsessive need for control, it was pretty much a recipe for disaster. eventually i felt like a total loser and burnt out ... it only took, oh, roughly 12 years to implode. since then i have been seeking a better balance - and being much more content to allow others the same freedom. recently i expressed frustration about these changes to a good friend - as well as my concern that this made me somehow "less" than i was before. his response? "welcome to being an adult in the church!" did anyone else see that light bulb just turn on?? no? oh, it must have been for me.

every decade of life seems to bring a different role for us to play and while our core values rarely change significantly, how we live them can alter substantially as time passes. for me, the most powerful change of the last 5 years has been an ever-increasing ability to accept. that's all. not embrace nor espouse. not defend, declare or deny. not keep quiet nor shout out loud. just accept. i suspect i will have more to say about this at a later date.

phew!

i was also going to write about the death penalty and addictions - but i think i will save those for another day ... (cheeky grins) ...

r.i.p. moratorium ...

here we are. ok. here i am. one day before the official end of the spending moratorium. but, in reality, it died late last week. i could blame its demise on all sorts of things - from feeling punk (which is dumb, cause i have been feeling that way for weeks) to freaking out over not spending money any-way-i-want-to-thank-you-very-much (which is valid, cause the pressure has been building). but the bottom line is this: i stopped trying to stop myself from spending.

i stopped being concerned with staying on budget and was only concerned about living in the moment. as i often do with efforts to improve my health, i chose what feels GOOD right now over what feels BEST overall. delaying gratification is not naturally part of my genetic make-up!!

here is the final "non-essentials" spending breakdown:

books - $88.15
clothes - $132.25
eating out - $312.42
fun stuff - $11.07
gifts - $139.46
junk food - $130.53
parking - $15.00

outgoing: $828.88
incoming: $200.34 (ebay sales, returning items)

total spent: $628.54 - an average of $10.48 a day

the only number that really concerns me is the eating out. the next most concerning number is obviously the junk food one. but everything else is pretty okay in my book.

now. where do i go from here? first, allow me to share the top 5 things i learned from this experiment:

1. being accountable DOES help!
2. i need to work in a book store
3. eating out actually makes me FEEL good ... but eating something i made myself at home feels much better
4. i will spend every penny i budget ... and then spend some more; i need to get my spending habits in shape BEFORE i am debt free - or i am likely to just spend all that money, too!
5. not experiencing "buyer's remorse" is a great thing!!

second, here are the top three things i want to do going forward:

1. eat out only once per week and only when socializing (this is connected to goals i set with my dietitian (posting on cath's cravings about this will be up soon))
2. use a cash & envelope system: put the money for each category in a labeled envelope, when the money is gone, yer done spending (and leave cards at home to avoid impulsively going over-budget) ... this may take awhile for me to implement - i feel vulnerable without my cards!!
3. make no impulse buys - make a list of things i want to own; if i see something new, i will add it to the list

and finally, here is the new plan:

1. make up budget for next six months (october 9, 2009 to march 31, 2010)
2. increase budget for spending, but be more specific about where the funds can be spent
3. pay off 2 debts by march 31, 2010 (VERY do-able if i stick to the budget!)
4. track spending and report any over-expenditures on blog once a month
5. carry a book of some sort with me EVERYWHERE to avoid impulse purchases - i am already really good about using the library!

and to close - a little touch of irony ... i put 5 purses on ebay and made $36.48!!! but it cost me $30.34 to send them. net gain: $6.14 - soooooooo not worth it. next time, i will just give them away and save a trip to the post office!

phew! onward and upward ...

all heck has broken loose ...

as a result, eating, spending, sleeping (and any other -ing that is supposed to be limited in some fashion) has gone bazoinkers. i am eating whatever i can stomach and whenever i can make myself prepare something. i am buying books and ebay items like a millionaire (okay, like a hundred-aire). and i am sleeping more than 50% of the day. yes, you read that right - MORE THAN HALF MY TIME IS SPENT SLEEPING!!!

i blame it on the mono.

i don't know yet if i have mono, but until the blood tests come back, i am using it as my excuse.

will keep you posted ...

month-end money memo (september 09) ...

i need to share with you the number one lesson i am being taught this year. it is not a lesson i am learning quickly. nor is it one which i am enjoying being tutored in - in fact, it is challenging all my preconceived notions about myself, life, universe and everything. (and no. the answer is not 42 ... although i really do like that number.)

are you ready? ok. here goes:

i am not perfect.
i never will be perfect.
i don't need to be perfect to be worthwhile.

i know, you are shocked - but, i assure you, nowhere near as shocked as i was! me? NOT ABLE to be perfect?? and i need to be OKAY with this? shut the front door.

in case you are wondering, i did not sign up for this course on purpose. the universe determined this was my year to learn, hopefully once-and-for-all-time-ever-and-ever-amen, that a lack of perfection does not equal I AM A BAD PERSON.

making mistakes, falling short of the mark, and all other naturally occurring events do not lessen my worth. missing church, being so sick i can't make it to work (which has been happening far too often this past year), and fighting with my family does not mean i am worthless. being overweight, in debt, and struggling with depression does not make me less worth loving. but sometimes i sure feel like it does. i am a champion nit-picky-picker-apart-er when it comes to my own life.

to give it a simpler definition - i am an 'all or nothing' kind of gal. if it ain't black, it is white - grey is not allowed. of course, this simply is not true, but trying to re-wire my brain to accept this concept has led to many blown fuses and a couple of electrical fires.

this money confessional is an excellent example: i spent countless hours over the last 4 days trying to decide how to "fudge" my numbers so i wouldn't look so bad. DUH? but here is why i am not going to do that: lying (cause, really, that is what "fudging" is) will not change what i spent. and it will not help me see that reality. so. here goes:

money in:
1. did two online surveys for $10!!
2. items listed on ebay, but funds have not yet been received (will add to next update)

money out:
1. i went over budget by $165.54 - GAH!
2. eating out: $95.14 - WHAT!?!
3. junk food: $15.21 - impressive improvement!
4. gifts: $45.02 - totally acceptable amount
5. card making supplies: $5.73 - impulse buy, and it will be well-used
6. parking: $15.00 - i misread the sign, so it was $15 instead of $1!
7. clothes: $100.78 - SURPRISE!

so here's the thing ... i didn't think i would need any new clothes during my 60 day spending moratorium. but then my jeans ripped - and in a place that (even once patched) makes them no longer casual-day-at-the-office appropriate. but i could have waited until after october 9th, right!?!?! and i would have. if i hadn't walked into that store when i was bored, sick, and (yes) a little depressed. it was the first time i had been out of my house in FOUR days (discussion on agoraphobia to follow later). and they fit. OMGosh do they fit! i didn't know jeans COULD fit like this!?!

but did buying them make me feel good? OH NO IT DIDN'T! cause i knew i would have to report to you! so i have hemmed (which the jeans also need), and hawed and taken ALL THE JOY out of finding an amazing pair of jeans (after trying on 11 crappy pairs).

now, lest you think i spent $100.78 on just a pair of jeans, allow me to clarify: i also bought a sweater. it was a "buy one get one 40% off" deal. i know, some people think that $70 isn't a bad price for jeans - and that i am totally bound by the rules of shopping to make use of that **SPECIAL** chance to buy something at 40% off. but the last pair of jeans i bought (december 2006) were $19.99 and i don't like buying things unless the percentage off is above 50 ... and i didn't TRULY need a sweater, did i??

so how does the start of this post tie into the jeans? well, it's like this: i started this experiment in an effort to spend money only on essentials. i also committed to being honest. i didn't set out to fret myself into an ulcer if i wasn't PERFECT at my goals.



as such, i am now going to sit back (in my new jeans & sweater) and start learning how to enjoy the grey.

in case you live under a rock and haven't heard ...

mid-month money memo (september 09) ...

well, i wish i had better news to report ... i was doing so well the first week, but i kind of crashed in the second. having said that, it was an improvement over the previous pay period so all is not a loss.

i am $120 over budget, and i spent $167.37 on "non-essentials" which breaks down as follows:

entertainment (aka: A BOOK) - $24.10 ... i regret this purchase. had i made it at a giant chain store, i would return it. but i bought it at a little family owned book shoppe and i simply can't do it. *sigh*

gifts - $27.30 ... $10.00 on a bridal shower group gift at work, and $17.30 on a housewarming gift for my sister. no regrets here.

eating out - $52.54 ... and that was SIX TIMES in two weeks!! sheesh. crazy when i think of all the good food in my home.

junk food - $63.43 ... and i wonder why the scale doesn't ever go in the direction i want!? this is INSANE. i know where i will be focusing my energy this next pay period.

here is the most enlightening part: i could have bought the book and the two gifts and i would have only be over budget by about $3 ... needless to say, it is my stomach (and all the food issues associated with it) that is killing my bank account.

also disappointing is the fact that i have a few items to be put up on ebay, but i haven't "gotten around to it". i will have done so before i update again!!

i am 35 days into this challenge and i have learned the following things:

1. when this is experiment is over, i will probably have to adjust my budget since the essentials are taking up almost all of it - which means once i allow myself to buy non-essentials, it will always go over what i currently have allotted.

2. i need to be more detailed in my budget - saying i have $300 for all spending (groceries, gas, entertainment, gifts, clothes, etc.) is too dangerous. i need to be more specific about how much each major category has. i am implementing this change immediately.

3. knowing i have to "report in" has helped me refrain from buying "things" ... but not food. yet another layer to contemplate in the food addiction i am battling.

4. i spend more in the first 3 days after i am paid than i do the rest of the time. i want to spread it out a little more going forward.

5. there are soooooo many things i like to do that cost no money.

6. there are soooooo many MORE things i like to do that DO cost money! ... this process has really led me to consider what is most enjoyable and where i get the biggest return on investment. $12.50 to go see a movie by myself? for me, a bad investment. $12.50 to go see a movie with my sister and get a tonne of visiting time in? totally worth the investment. $3.18 for a bag of maltesers i eat mindlessly as i read a book? bad investment. $3.18 for a bag of maltesers i eat while watching a (free) movie at home and visit with my roomie? excellent investment. $6.30 on a drive-thru dinner at DQ THREE TIMES IN ONE WEEK? very unwise investment. $6.30 on a drive-thru dinner at DQ once every couple of months? a worthwhile treat.

gee. there seems to be a common theme here. do you hear it? do you? cause it is a chanting that is getting louder and louder all the time: moderation, moderation, moderation, MODERATION, MODERATION!!!

i am looking forward to this next two weeks and the chance to implement my learning - and i look forward to your answer to this question:

if you were given $100,000 tax free, what are the first 3 three things you would do with the money? i will tell you mine next time ...