month-end money memo (september 09) ...

i need to share with you the number one lesson i am being taught this year. it is not a lesson i am learning quickly. nor is it one which i am enjoying being tutored in - in fact, it is challenging all my preconceived notions about myself, life, universe and everything. (and no. the answer is not 42 ... although i really do like that number.)

are you ready? ok. here goes:

i am not perfect.
i never will be perfect.
i don't need to be perfect to be worthwhile.

i know, you are shocked - but, i assure you, nowhere near as shocked as i was! me? NOT ABLE to be perfect?? and i need to be OKAY with this? shut the front door.

in case you are wondering, i did not sign up for this course on purpose. the universe determined this was my year to learn, hopefully once-and-for-all-time-ever-and-ever-amen, that a lack of perfection does not equal I AM A BAD PERSON.

making mistakes, falling short of the mark, and all other naturally occurring events do not lessen my worth. missing church, being so sick i can't make it to work (which has been happening far too often this past year), and fighting with my family does not mean i am worthless. being overweight, in debt, and struggling with depression does not make me less worth loving. but sometimes i sure feel like it does. i am a champion nit-picky-picker-apart-er when it comes to my own life.

to give it a simpler definition - i am an 'all or nothing' kind of gal. if it ain't black, it is white - grey is not allowed. of course, this simply is not true, but trying to re-wire my brain to accept this concept has led to many blown fuses and a couple of electrical fires.

this money confessional is an excellent example: i spent countless hours over the last 4 days trying to decide how to "fudge" my numbers so i wouldn't look so bad. DUH? but here is why i am not going to do that: lying (cause, really, that is what "fudging" is) will not change what i spent. and it will not help me see that reality. so. here goes:

money in:
1. did two online surveys for $10!!
2. items listed on ebay, but funds have not yet been received (will add to next update)

money out:
1. i went over budget by $165.54 - GAH!
2. eating out: $95.14 - WHAT!?!
3. junk food: $15.21 - impressive improvement!
4. gifts: $45.02 - totally acceptable amount
5. card making supplies: $5.73 - impulse buy, and it will be well-used
6. parking: $15.00 - i misread the sign, so it was $15 instead of $1!
7. clothes: $100.78 - SURPRISE!

so here's the thing ... i didn't think i would need any new clothes during my 60 day spending moratorium. but then my jeans ripped - and in a place that (even once patched) makes them no longer casual-day-at-the-office appropriate. but i could have waited until after october 9th, right!?!?! and i would have. if i hadn't walked into that store when i was bored, sick, and (yes) a little depressed. it was the first time i had been out of my house in FOUR days (discussion on agoraphobia to follow later). and they fit. OMGosh do they fit! i didn't know jeans COULD fit like this!?!

but did buying them make me feel good? OH NO IT DIDN'T! cause i knew i would have to report to you! so i have hemmed (which the jeans also need), and hawed and taken ALL THE JOY out of finding an amazing pair of jeans (after trying on 11 crappy pairs).

now, lest you think i spent $100.78 on just a pair of jeans, allow me to clarify: i also bought a sweater. it was a "buy one get one 40% off" deal. i know, some people think that $70 isn't a bad price for jeans - and that i am totally bound by the rules of shopping to make use of that **SPECIAL** chance to buy something at 40% off. but the last pair of jeans i bought (december 2006) were $19.99 and i don't like buying things unless the percentage off is above 50 ... and i didn't TRULY need a sweater, did i??

so how does the start of this post tie into the jeans? well, it's like this: i started this experiment in an effort to spend money only on essentials. i also committed to being honest. i didn't set out to fret myself into an ulcer if i wasn't PERFECT at my goals.



as such, i am now going to sit back (in my new jeans & sweater) and start learning how to enjoy the grey.